From Paris to The Netherlands

I consider writing ten top reasons to leave here, actually the reasons are way more than ten ; I somehow tried to accept there's different levels of understanding cultural talk , or anything which do worth a thinking , then simply feel disappointed by the conculsion that you could only conduct a kid's conversation with most of them , or you have to behave in a rather childish way to avoid any unnecessary contact with them , as I told one of my colleagues the other day that : if i say you're like the fire , and i'm just the air , you would feel rather happy and take it as a compliment . But Honestly what I meant was without the air , fire simply doesn't exist. Of course that's too complex for them to understand , of course they would say it's difficult  , I meant that's called 'communication' , presenting 1+1=2 thing is called ' simply saying something ' , it might be a type of communication , but it's definitely not what I demand from my ' people' only...

 Het Net client service is a nightmare , you could call 100 times for one internet connection problem , there's just NO ONE wants to be responsible for the problem occurring , they could just keep sending you around for hours , the problem remains the same , but you do pay 0.45 cents per minute for hours , I meant if you're willing to get money without any attitude , there's some other ways which are even easier , for instance , begging on the street !

Traffic here is another nightmare , for 6km in the moring , you do need to count it for at least 30 minutes , simply the car here moves slower than a cow

Public transport is nightmare of nightmare , you could wait on the platform , the train is of course never on time , you could also wait in the train , then they would simply NOTICE you that it's cancelled because the chuffer is ill , we know you don't have many people , but do you have only one chuffer for national railway ?

Privacy simply doesn't exist in this culture , people are so curious , you don't know why they're so curious and you would never know ... They could question you for everything without sensing that it's just personal;they could stand right behind your computer screen , staring at what you're typing for your personal email without noticing how rude it is; They could just shouting their language and sending Dutch emails in an international working environment without respecting there's more than 20 expats who don't understand their minor language;They could spy on your life by making comments on with whom you go out , with whom you have a lunch, with whom you take coffees ... They simply want to know everything , I always wonder how come they CARE so much about the others' life ,if you tell them , they would try to know more and more , if you don't , they would say you don't want to talk to them ... Is there really nothing else to talk about but privacy?  

Snow, rain, mistiness,  

A painting, a sculpture, a bundle in life, for years;

In, for a glance,

Out, exit hasn’t be found;

All the endings were pre-drafted , 

All the tears decided to re-depart , 

I treid to record the smiles , 

He tried  to wave goodbye , 

I tried to find back the booklet , 

saying it's not just passing by; 

Read it under the yellow light,

I tried to admit, time just flies …

Talking to a friend , he's an expat as well

He has a dutch gf and he said ' sometimes I can't believe they're so simple , and I even thought there must be some trick within ' , well , I said ' congratulations , it's always good to have someone simple than complex , and please just shut up and enjoy ' ...

Talking to a dutch friend , he said ' so how many dutch bfs you have so far ' , I said ' none and will never happen ' . ' why not ? ' he asked , ' because I don't foresee myself end up my life behind a large window within a dutch house , in this city. '

I sometimes feel it's making my life difficult by demanding that much , it might be cheerful to just accpet a certain life style and accept the person who wants to create this life style for you. By thinking about this , I can't breath anymore , it's tight and heavy. I waked up 4h00 at night , by nightmare , in which I have a life with a so-called nice person, going to the city at the weekend , shopping in market , then go back to a Dutch house ...it's so much fear, and I again , know better and better what I DO NOT want ...

9h47 in the morning , I can't sleep anymore, typing in front of my PC , to record my fear in March 2008 for a potential dutch life ...

( don't ever get me wrong here , my dutch friends , I do like all dutch friends , dutch people , and the border line is when I'm not internally involved into their lives )

Snowing in March, The Netherlands .

Tibet, a part of China , Tibetan flag on in front of Chinese embassy , European media ‘attacks china ‘ , I’m tired of the argument with the European I know , it’s inner business of China and please let go .

YM died , in Paris , 25 years old , Chinese . I met him once when I was still living in Champs-elysees , Paris . He came with his girlfriend , another girl I saw a couple of times only, we had one diner together , and I was shocked while reading parisien news online and seeing the pic on.

Jeremie on phone, still looking for opportunities to start a career. I told him I would be back to Paris at the end , that is true , I love Paris , where I see myself get old and grey .  

I can’t fall in love with a Dutch , I like my Dutch friends , D.J is my new Dutch friend , he’s very nice and as one of my other colleagues mentioned , he’s hired because of his good looking J I like to make friends with good looking people , super facial as always , I like Dutch who are open-minded , who’re easy to get along , who are friendly and direct , I like Dutch as much as I can , as friends . I love French , some of them only , of course , love the tongue of the language , love the attitude , love the way of viewing things in Paris , love Paris , the city WHO refreshed my blood . I recently start thinking about the city where I would settle down after 30s, Paris , London , Berlin , New York , HongKong … Maybe even Amsterdam . It’s a sign of getting old, I expect wrinkles coming out very very soon …

It’s not the best writing ever, but it’s my best floating ever …

Season I :

That was a nice Christmas, travelling around. 25 days after ending up my 5 years’ relationship, I headed to another country, for some unknown reason, maybe the reasons were known, but they were just ignored.

I came across him in the train, sometimes coincidence happen in life, as a traveller, coincidences happen a bit more often. My mind was occupied , be precise , a portion of my mind was , by him during my floating trip , which to my personality , I wouldn’t call it special , I’m a moody person and the mind goes with my mood , periodically .

Visiting Germany was a great experience, culturally, historically…

‘The checkpoint is just right there. ‘ this German guy from Starbucks told me while I bought a morning coffee and smiled at him , ‘ the Berlin wall was … , I’m from the east part of Berlin … ‘ I like to listen story , from real people in life , his eastern German life , his parents, his current Berlin life , his thinking ,  usually I keep silent and smiling , only when I’m serious , when I’m feeling how valuable the information is …

‘Miki, I think I’m going back to the Netherlands tomorrow ‘, I told my Japanese friend  during breakfast, she knew the reason , there’s always some connection makes people become friends , and understanding without speaking is one of those …

Ronald was another coincidence on the way back; I clearly remember the way he talked, the way he smiled and the way I felt … If I should see thee: after long year, how should I agreed three, with silence and smile – it’s from an ancient British poem, I knocked the train window after getting off, saying goodbye and I knew there was no real goodbye from heart…

Season II:

My life back to Utrecht , The Netherlands had been surrounded by this Dutch and his friend for a while, until I got drunk and discovered something I have known for a while but tried not to know. It’s tough to describe what I really want from this person; usually I need a mood to even just think about it. Organizing the words is never being difficult for me, however indicating and showing feelings is always something I’ve never learnt well in life.

‘I think I really like you ‘, I spoke it out, and I was the one who made the situation worse. If liking someone means I want to spend time to feel him , means I want him to be in my social net , means I want to know him in a better way , then I meant it ; if liking someone means sharing, means being 100% committing , then I got myself and him wrong by saying that . It’s complicated to understand , I do know that , it’s my way of thinking , it’s my rather cold distance with people, I can’t help it …

People believe in different ways of having a relationship , which I felt by talking to them and feeling the pace of speaking , they all need safety , a commitment , a confirmation … therefore I tried hard to sound arrogant , tried hard to convince people that yes , I’m just not the committing type , that I have a different lifestyle … By doing so , the border line becomes obvious , by doing so , I turned someone into a friend only, again .

‘It’s a nice story ‘ , he said so , ‘ yes , it is , I think it’s even beautiful , for one month and 4 days ‘ , ‘ In Italy , I seriously thought of giving a try ‘ , that’s not easy to understand , I know it , I need to be far away to think , to melt , to clear up my mind and to be ready for a talk … People usually think in a practical way to ‘measure’ , to ‘judge’ , to feel ‘ safe and controllable ‘ , choices in life fall apart …

Before knowing him , I survive and I breathe ,

After breaking up with him , I still survive and breathe

Who's not fantastic in this world ?

21st Century , everybody is amazing ,

otherwise how could you survive ?

We all have something special ...

I do believe the spare time is all up to yourself ,

if you want to have time , you would just have it ,

if you don't have the time for the date ,

probably , you just don't want this date ...

 I never want to hide my age ,

They said ' because you're still very young '

 I said ' no , because what I have achieved today equals to what my age requires '

Sex in the city has been replayed in International channel , there's a sceme that Marinda's mom died and she realized that she would never have the opportunity to fight with her mom anymore ... my tears out , can't stop for hours ...

My culture very much decides that the things I don't speak out are the ones I really care ... then the one I even don't dare to think about is the one which roots in my life forever ...

The most stupid thing ever is feeling sad in a beloved relationship, you sometimes want him/her to be just a soulmate , when it never happens , maybe it's just the right timing to say goodbye , or you could simply just see all his 'disadvantages' or ' non-understandings' as his 'special points' , then you could just 'pretend' loving him forever ... The question is ' how long you want to pretend ??? '

Vagrancy is not a bad life style , it is more an attitude. People who has experienced vagrancy could truely understand the cherish the stable life coming after. It's not only the body doing vagrancy , but also the mind-set. A 'tramp' sometimes has the heart which never going into a real vagrancy ...