From Paris to The Netherlands

Human being are not true sometimes , that's nature ... The end of 2005 was my worst time ever in my 20s , quitting my job in paris , flying back to China , in the plane , I talked to myself , life sometimes goes like a conversation btw you and you , you ask , you answer ... my friend picked me up, I clearly felt ' I can't feel myself ' , then I laughed , sometimes silly laugh is the best way to 'protect ' yourself , to "prove" 'you're fine' ... My friend guided me to have breakfast , I called my Dad , hours after , he sent someone to give me airline ticket to my town ...

My Dad's driver picked me up in the airport , the way back to home , we were silent , my head was too heavy to tell the time , I was fine , people saw it , I was not fine , I knew it ... I didn't rush into my apt when I got home , didn't cry , even didn't show that i was sad ... however i did know how sad I was ...

Four o'clock in the morning , Chinese time , I sat next to her bed , she was sleeping , calm, ... Five o'clock , my Dad made a tea in the living room , he told me about the great tea he just bought , my tears out , he's done the best , I really appreciate it ... Seven o'clock , I started reading Bible , I believe the soul would exist in another world , having the same kind of life as we have here , oh no , must be more joyable life , less pains ... Eight o'clock , my family came , it's been one month , people are coming everyday for about one month , I thank them , some of whom come because they really care ... Eight o'clock at night , next to her bed , we talked ... One week , I weigh from 51kg to 47kg , I was a body without thoughts ... Two weeks , I saw people in , people out , people true , people false ... My world view changed from then on , people are so harmless to me from then on , I realized the differences btw real friends and 'someones you know ' from then on , and what I should care , what doesn't worth caring ...

My best friend picked me up from CDG Paris , one week , I didn't go out at all , locked myself reading Buddism books , my Dad's family has been Cathelic for generations , but she's a buddist. I convienced myself there's another way to communicate , we would understand each other ... Then maybe I should be a Buddist as well , then maybe the love could change what you believe in , maybe that's the last thing I could still do for her ...

The second week , my Dad called ,I was still living in my day-time , night - time dream , I talked to her in my dreams , that were sweet ... ' The third week , I decided to restart the life , I sent my CV , my new boss took me during the interview , what I really had in mind certainly didn't affect my performance in the interview , Budda saved me !

The job is interesting , a lot of pressure , a lot of fun, my french is far away from being perfect , my boss forgives me for whatever , I thank him , sincerely !

My grandma called , family issue , I understand how she felt , and also ' a problem could be solved by money , it shouldn't be a problem ' , so there's no problem , my job is to make everyone happy ... My Dad called , talking about another important 'female ' in his life , there's nothing I could do , or honestly , nothing I wanna do , I pre-notice him , the day she leaves this world , I would be busy , don't count me , Plz ' ... I believe he wanted to frap me even on phone , well I'm sorry , I know I would go to the hell , but let me go to the hell then , I would thank you for that ...

Nine o'clock , I walked out of office , my boss told me my name would be on in our coming ads for april , I know how much it means , for a newer ... The way back home , I wanted to talk to her , take a glance at the sky , her smile in the mosaic ...